It’s weird how reflection and death work like close cousins…….

It’s 2:31 am

Of course I woke up, and just nerves on end from a whole bunch of stuff, but what Mom isn’t constantly over thinking?

I took this weekend to truly reflect. Sometimes, I over extend myself. Projects sound fun, or causes are important, or I want time with my crew. Around this time of year, we are cleaning out clutter, and donating. Today just hit different……

It would have been my 84th Grandmother’s birthday. In the FB memories tab the memory popped up that our routine was I send her a gift then call her to catch up and see what she was doing for her birthday. It literally said, “You are going to be on TV, I’m so proud of you, finally”!

Now, I didn’t have the heart to correct her that it was a you tube interview, but her excitement was enough. My team always have my back in anything I set out to.

I just lost all movitation today. I tried working through it. Even called my mom, cause this was the first birthday she was gone physically. It’s still raw you guys, and maybe it always will be. Correction, I know it will. I mean hell, you guys were here for when my grandfather passed. It got easier,but still hurts. It didn’t dawn on me until today how real this stuff is.

I know death is a part of life, that’s a constant. Just like change. What hit me like a ton of bricks was a couple of things:

  1. My mom isn’t getting any younger, and we haven’t had the perfect relationship, but I feel for her because it took up until this last year for her and my grandmother to truly bond. She flew back home to take care of her up until she passed. She’s working through her own feelings and realities of her life. I truly do not want my mom and I to be like that, nor do I want my kids to think I’m like that either. I consciously have made sure to nurture it as we both have made changes with still maintaining boundaries.
  2. Generational trauma is truly a thing.
  3. It’s truly made think about our my kids set if anything happens to me. I mean lets be real. Going though a death close to home means you are involved in finances. You are trying to make sure they are set while they grieve. No one wants to deal with bills and losing a loved one at the same time.
  4. To my inner circle, my career was just as important to them as it is to me. I’ve met a ton of people in the last two years, but right at this moment, feeling lost is an understatement. Career wise things are moving so fast it’s beautiful. I’m also noticing habits I want to break, and some relationships/associations have to be cut off. They hinder progress. They are distracting me from goals my crew and I set. It also plays on the sanity.
The beginning of surgeries…..crap hurt yo!
It was an afro kinda day

With all that said, Death tends to reveal things you may not be ready for but need to handle. It’s been a raw month you guys. The crew are even hurting and I’m mad I can’t shield them from it. They loved their great grandmother. They had their own memories with her, different from mine, all peaceful fun and great. It’s the few times I hate having older kids. You can’t shield them from reality or their hurt. All you can do is be supportive, and try and work through it.

We began the organizing of our house, because I start a new semester, and we also start a new chapter with Brandon being home full time. We are adjusting and will get through this. I figure if I keep repeating it, it will sink in.

Kinda needed to hear that. The lost feeling isn’t fun. It’s also a reminder that I can’t control everything. I can control my reaction AND who I let in. Today, we realign, focus, and began a new class: Stage Direction.

“Your grandmother is proud of every one of you. Don’t lose sight of what you were put here to do. It’s ruff but we got this. Don’t drop that torch”.

We are gonna pop educational wheelies this semester……

Did I mention I’m nervous? I never directed anyone but myself!!!!! Guess I’ll bring you on that journey too, cause I clearly don’t know what I’m doing but excited to do it.

Cheers Grandma. I know you were behind this craziness. LOL.

Guess I’ll try to sleep…..again.

~CSM~

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